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The Silent Decay


Mehnaaz Pervin Tuli


The pain always exists when you do not notice. The pain lingers when you ignore my post, my messages or my wishes. Was it not enough for you to know that you meant the world to me and you occupied a special place in my heart?

The more I came to you, the more I tried to change you positively — I got entwined in your existence. The more I felt inclined towards you, I remained cautious about any type of health hazards. I kept awake thinking how to persuade you to give up the habit of smoking. I could not sit still if you were rebuked or insulted by any outsider or someone from your professional arena. I was a free spirited, independent, and liberal minded girl yet I am the one confining myself within your world and interests. 

I dream, sleep or say I live at the thought of conquering the world with you by experimenting new things throughout the world, hand in hand. I dream of skydiving with you or going underwater to unravel the mystery of the sea with you.  

Now it has been many years and it ruptures my nerves to realise how you have taken all my efforts and proclivity as granted. It has been years of you disregarding my presence and finding solace in social media or the internet. 

I fear this might not be the case all along. I fear I will have to brawl with my mind and brain to carry on with the decision of persisting as your good angel. I might try not to leave you, yet I would have to abandon you forever from my body, my soul, and my heart. Ignorance and zero appreciation cannot be good for relationships and can build up an iceberg between two hearts. 

Can you assuage your virtual domain for a while and live in your reality and me? I find technology as a blessed option, yet envy its felicity of being with you most of the time. I want some time with just “us” without the intrusion of an artificial environment or any sort of technological hindrance. You are not going to lead a successful life without the intercession of technological prodigies and no one can do the same in this fast changing postmodern world. This can never imply that you have lost the capacity to maintain the real and virtual life around you or this can also not prove that you are helpless at the hands of science. You are still the master of your physical life, family life, and personal life and can choose to keep a balance. Am I asking a lot here?

Yet I admire you, respect you with full dedication, as you were a good friend of mine long ago. I covertly sing with you, dance with you, enjoy sun kissed noon by your side — but only in my dreams. Is it a good sign? Is love and long commitment contradictory? Let me know.

My mind harks back to those days dining, exploring, passing vacations with you in exotic places and moving here and there in an adventitious mood. It seemed sumptuous and spectral even if we were having “Jhalmuri” together by the beach side on vacations. The first sun rays that cascaded through our face and body in the fine morning in Khagrachari created an amorous impression in us. I remember your authentic attention towards me at those times when there wasn’t any insertion of social media discussion or any interference by video calls. Was I precious back then? Am I fading away?

Or am I decaying silently from your existence?

 


Tuli likes to have small talks with people of various cultures, religions, and races. She can’t sit at home and would prefer living out of a suitcase at any time. 

One Comment

  1. It’s not like that. He is still the same but has to wade through this competition of capitalism to keep the family happy. I think that should also be a part of life and happiness thinking we both are contributing our best for both of us. But also, some isolation is also necessary and again, this somewhat distance is what makes this infrequent isolation so special.

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