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Strides of Remorse


Ebana Haque


Being in your twenties is troublesome;

You either know where you stand

Or you know nothing at all.

Most of the time, it’s a turbulence of both.

However, we only love to believe the latter.

How we love self-mortifying thoughts and self-loathing.

We make our lives change here, our future bases on them.

Sometimes we reflect on our previous mistakes in these grey times;

And most of the time, these mistakes engulf us.

We either think of prodigious extents and struggling or not wanting to, at all.

Everything seems a struggle, at this point of life.

How the alarm clock may sound more excruciating than the writhing pain within,

Or how cuts are never deep enough or maybe it’s us —

Maybe we’re just not enough.

It’s always disarray, owning up to what we’ve become.

Owning up to how we let it be.

It takes fortitude;

It also takes patience but we’re the most rebellious in our twenties,

Either we’re rebellious or we drown in it.

And then we dither on which to choose;

Should we wait for the agony to be a part of our billion cells?

Should we let it pass?

Or should we take drastic, yet life changing measures?

Being in your twenties is troublesome,

But it’s also the age of making life changing decisions.

Building blocks of being a human, or seeing yourself shatter.

We realise our mistakes if we’re yet somewhat sane.

Fathoming in thoughts and wishes of survival —

But what’s surviving, without some theatrics and the flip of nickels?

But then, you wonder, what if it never comes?

What if owning up to your mistakes was the worst of it all?

What if how you feel, never mattered?

Before you say the word,

The word that symbolises mercy and forgiveness,

You feel like billions of raindrops were falling over you.

But you can’t feel a billion raindrops all at once.

It takes time, so you think — maybe it isn’t rain.

Maybe they are a billion shards of glasses,

Piercing through your soul

Making you feel sorry

No more bits and pieces

No more what ifs.

The strength of the tragedy that you’ve caused, finally dawns upon you.

When you want something in your life; that brings you joy and misery at once.

What do you do?

Do you take it and bear the consequences?

Do you take it and run?

Maybe not pursue it at all?

Who knows? 

Not someone who’s in their twenties.

Your dusk thoughts are now cascaded by a new form of topsy-turvy.

You believe that mercy is not at an expense.

Hardest obstacle a twenty-year-old faces,

is to own up to the disruptions that they’ve caused.

Harder to swallow when they achieve what should never be theirs

Feeling the pain and agony

That doesn’t sum up right.

That’ll never sum it up right.

The world believes in balance.

In balance comes tranquility.

Because twenties are nothing.

A mere age length; which is still at a stretch

But all we do is be relentless because –

Being in your twenties is troublesome.

 

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