Bollywood Plots, Gone Rogue


Maliha Momtaz Oishi


With a flair for the dramatic, Bollywood has been pumping out movies with plots that almost feel like a fever dream, for decades. Re-incarnation, joint family in jeopardy, cheesy romantic montage at the end of a song to show that true love was right here all along—you name it. What happens when we take it a step further? Here are some of the most popular Bollywood movies that almost all of us are familiar with, simplified or exaggerated to the point where it’s so bad—that it’s actually good. Enjoy!

 

Main Hoon Na:
Old man plays matchmaker between high-school boy and girl, tells girl to take her clothes off.

Munna Bhai MBBS:
Man cures diseases with laughter. Scientists hate him!

Dilwale Dulhaniya Le Jayenge:
Girl leaves home for the first time without parents. Boy stalks girl and falls in love, follows her to India to marry her.

Kuch Kuch Hota Hain:
Girl 1 transfers from Oxford University to some local Indian high school. Boy falls for her and they start dating. They laugh at their bestfriend, Girl 2, along with the whole school. Girl 1 mysteriously dies, Girl 2 moves away and changes her identity.

Zindegi Na Milegi Dobara:
Three best friends go on a road trip, two of them successfully convince the other one to break up with his fianceé—all the while simultaneously trying to kill each other.

Yeh Jawaani Hain Deewani:
Story of 4 friends finding their ambitions with their parents’ money.

Rab Ne Bana Di Jodi:
Woman cheats on husband with husband. Husband loves it.

London Dreams:
Boy gets his crush snatched by bestfriend, gets him hooked on drugs and decides to ruin his life and everything he stands for.

Race:
Brothers trade girlfriends on the daily. Little brother kills big brother, dead brother comes back to haunt little brother.

Kabhi Khushi Kabhi Gham:
Guy marries girl to fill the void her dead father left. Also, Parampara matters.

Om Shanti Om:
Man re-incarnates himself to get a FilmFare award.

Taare Zameen Par:
Teacher is obsessed with child, draws portraits of him.

Dhoom:
Cop duo gets owned by criminals, thrice in 3 different movies.

Mohabbatein:
Professor Quirky Softboy likes to wear sweaters and teaches students the true meaning of life.

Guzaarish:
Nurse kills con-man who’s also her patient.

Mujhse Dosti Karogi:
Two girls catfish their childhood best friend.

Karthik calling Karthik:
Karthik calls Karthik.

Lagaan:
Crossover between anime and cricket that we never knew we needed.

Kabir Singh:
Short-tempered man is glorified despite his toxic traits, hits girlfriend who suffers from Stockholm Syndrome, goes down a self-destructive path of alcohol and drugs when she leaves him. Oh wait, that’s the actual plot of the film.

 

This might ruin the movies for those who haven’t watched them yet, so apologies in advance. My mailbox is always open, in case you want to send a harshly worded message or something. You can play around with the titles and add your own!

 


Maliha binge watches bad reality TV when she’s not busy laughing at men’s rights activists.

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