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Wannabe Alpha Male Spotted in the Wild


F I C T I O N – S A T I R E


Auruba Raki

We are Live from New Market, in the obscure depths of the back alley of Dhaka College, where a beta male was spotted earlier today. The locals informed the social media authority who promptly came to a decision to ostracise said male.

Albhi, 18, the male in question – or rather his “masculinity” in question, was dressed in a very generic polo t-shirt with baggy jeans. He did not even have any makeup on. At an age when boys are adored for wearing dresses, Albhi dared to venture out in such a ridiculous outfit. 

I spared no more than a casual glance at first. But once I realised what I was looking at, I could not look away even if I wanted to,” said a passerby on standby mode, “Such a disgrace to our society…should not be allowed to roam freely in such a manner.

As you can see, the social media authority is buzzing all around this interesting specimen. Albhi stood his stance when he asserted that he does not respect women anywhere but in the kitchens “where they belong”. The public, infuriated, lunged on him at such a scandalous statement. “He is a blight for mankind!” barked a local man – a real man. 

Albhi has sparked quite the controversy with his statuses on Facebook as well, where he claimed that his girlfriend must dress the way he likes. Comments, including but not limited to “Girlfriend? What girlfriend? A blow-up doll?” flooded the post. 

There is a darker side to Albhi too, a shameful identity he wears proudly: An anti-LGBT cishet. His bio says, “Proud patriarchist, cis gender, heterosexual, manliest man. #All_lives_matter. Wish me on 31st February!”

Many of his posts were mass-reported, consequently taken down by Facebook, for their blatant misogyny, racism, and colourism. One of his ex-friends has recently posted an exposé that claimed Albhi only supported homosexuality because lesbians are hot. He, however, is disgusted by gay sex. His hypocrisy is little compared to his indifference toward consent. Allegedly, he believes he can touch his girlfriend any way he likes, whether she permits it or not. The exposé also cited an incident of his internalised hatred for dark people, when a brown girl said hello so ugly that he just turned and walked away. 

Dark or white or yellow, ain’t no girl ever asking that piece of sh*t out again,” the exposer told us.  

Albhi insists that a true man never bends to the wiles of a woman and cannot dress fashionably. By that definition, does he think a woman will find his complete disregard for hygiene and unwashed underwear attractive? We cannot but feel sorry for any such woman. 

Albhi also maintains that a man is only hot if muscular, while having rolls of fat on his own stomach. Why he would set standards he himself cannot reach, is beyond our understanding. One of the top 10 questions psychologists cannot answer. True story. 

In light of these recent incidents, Dezni Huda, a successful trans man and an inspirational speaker, defined in an online press conference:

Alpha masculinity is nothing but a hoax, rendering young minds, like Albhi’s, delusional. They disguise toxic masculinity in the name of alpha masculinity. It is a pack of socially regressive male traits that serve to assert domination, diminution of women, homophobia, and unnecessary aggression.”

 

The society is actively scorning Albhi and his principles to nip it in the bud, and hoping he did not succeed in polluting any other boys.

 


The writer, a cynic, is a part of TDA Editorial Team.

 

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