S A T I R E
Saam Hasan
A comprehensive new study spanning over 3 billion participants has uncovered new ground breaking discoveries that could help in the eradication of Covid-19. Scientists from the RCC Academy of Sciences conducted this cutting edge research where they combined Specialised English 105 questionnaire algorithms with woke Facebook post formulations to identify that simply by responding with a “pera nai chill”, both the transmission and fatality rate of Covid-19 is reduced to 1/420th of original.
This will not be the first time this revolutionary method has been used in South Asian countries to remarkable results. It has long been hailed as the miracle drug that ended the depression pandemic in the region. In addition, it was also used as a supplementary treatment in curing patients with financial crisis, low CGPA, unemployment, and men whose wives ran away.
Early phase implementation of this method has already began. During the latter months of the year, this technique has been extensively utilised to allow people to go on Sajek trips, enjoy makeout dates at Crimson Cup, and do the full 500 guests-250 person food arrangement weddings we are famous for. On a minor side note, the concurrent rise in Covid cases has been put down to within margin of error (± 100,000 cases).
Scientists on the opposing side of the line have raised concerns regarding this study and its methodology. In particular, they pointed out one of the most statistically important questions as being flawed. They believe the term, “duz goin out of homez makes ya bodies less hot”, was misinterpreted by the majority of male participants who mistook it for being asked of their opinion regarding women.
Whether it’s pop culture, fiction or politics, writing is Saam’s ultimate passion and reprieve.