S A T I R E
Tanzim Ahmmed Siam
“Why wait when the perfect time is here to marry your ineligible daughter off to some paedophile grown-up, or to try and manipulate the parents of an innocent minor girl because your son can longer take his own failure at getting a girl? There can logically be no better time than this pandemic for this traditionally auspicious celebration of destroying your child’s life: even the best of the best astrologers will agree to it.”
– sounds very much like an ad for a website.
The Bangali parents must have registered for the website বিয়েকরনা.com, which provides never-before-seen features. And now it has gifted them with a premium membership because they are the only ones who are falling for the scam. Sponsored by the entire universe and all its cataclysm, the premium offer has granted them access to a ceaseless pandemic season they are perceiving as “vacation” for marriage ceremonies. And who makes better use of discount offers than the socially progressive Bangali nation?
To those who are getting married, features this season is offering are:
Arrange Less: This season, a favourable time for the great frugal men who want to arrange a discounted marriage for their burdened children, has been entertaining countless marriage ceremonies at low costs, although not precisely for parents who cannot afford an expensive ceremony, rather more for those wanting to save money as their own complacency overbears their children. It is a great cause indeed when life is all about taking care of yourself and unloading all your burdens. Setting up somewhat of a ceremony at an excusable community centre with compromised food arrangement is à la mode.
Invite Less: Finally, it is time to materialise the marriage that everyone dreams about, where, unlike Zee Bangla serials, not-so-many toxic relatives are invited because apparently nobody wants their relatives to accidentally bitch about them to their own in-laws because their (relatives’) children’s in-laws could never meet their expectations. Besides, it’s always better to not have guests who fuss about the food at the ceremony while eating from a mass of betel leaves they stole from the said ceremony. Furthermore, only a few of those not-knowing-any-better people are getting to judge that superior taste in party music confined within Hindi item songs.
Student of the Pandemic: Parents have finally figured out how to fulfill their children’s wish to not study anymore. They are handing out graduation certificates in the form of marriage documents. Parents are not lying anymore; “I will marry you off to the child of a rickshaw puller” has now turned to reality as more and more parents are taking it as a means to spend less. Warm wishes (because your in-laws probably won’t have a fan) to those students getting relieved of their studies. Well, you can always enjoy the southern breeze/car smokes while you ride your father-in-law’s rickshaw through the city with your significant other and call it a date.
Discreet Minor Trafficking: It is always good news for conscious parents when they can secretly traffic their minor offspring off to some influential family because the in-laws are too fond of kids to break it on account of less money involved. Besides, they can arrange for marriage, then divorce when in-laws beat their offspring more than them (it’s a matter of pride), and then arrange for a second marriage without even letting half of the family know about it. Stealthy as assassins while they assassinate someone’s future.
This season offers no less to people who are willing to and actually attend these applaudable ceremonies. After all, what is a better way to let the vacation pass by than attending crowded places that distract you from your loneliness?
Features this season has to offer to the function-goers include:
Considerably Fewer Guests: The country, for the first time, is witnessing traditional family functions where relatives are barely feeding to someone else’s insecurities about appearance, academic and professional careers, or even coming by to ask, “Do you remember who I am? We have had so much fun when you were a child,” referring to the child molestation that haunts the victim. People can finally manage at a dining table with all their buddies, and the transmission of coronavirus stays within the group, at least that’s what they hope for.
KillBill ft. Bangladesh: The time to fulfil your wish of killing people because you were having a mood swing is here. People might finally be able to secretly kill each other or attempt suicide through visiting traditional marriage ceremonies because of this genetically helpful virus called Corona. People are playing deathmatch rounds in real life instead of first-person shooter games.
একটু কামলা but অনেক বাংলা: Rewarding time for those brave kids of the country who approach that prettiest girl at a ceremony, because probably the smart guys that she might fall for will not be attending the ceremony. Well, that just extends up to the part where someone will not be having a competitor; however, there is an enormous possibility of that guy getting rejected nonetheless. Honestly speaking, those guys will settle for anything, so GOOD GAME.
Since the days of getting HIV infected are getting barricaded as parents are not allowing children to visit their circle of friends-with-benefits, unless of course, they are officiating it through marriages, it is high time people accepted Corona as a consolation prize. To that end, happy marriage!
Tanzim has probably fallen asleep losing all hopes of convincing his parents that gaming didn’t cause his food poisoning. Send him ways to convince them at [email protected]