A N I M E – S A T I R E
Abrar Jamil
In search of the Genuine, Authentic, and Bona Fide anime fan, we are here with today’s episode of Hour of Irony. We have with us Mr. STAR Cineplex Head of Sales, Ms. Fariha, and uh… what’s your name again?
“I go by ‘theanimeboy_tanjiro069’. Please like, share, and subscribe to my YouTube chan—”
Alright, so the first question we have is for our respectable Head of Sales. We’ll get straight to the point: How did you manage to shatter literally all sales records worldwide in just one day?
“Hey, it wasn’t I who suggested we put Mugen Train or Fugen Train or whatever that is on the show list. It was my annoying brat of a son who—”
But sir, you did win a Guinness Record for the lowest number of people attending—
“And we expect to break even more records going forward. Here I am not knowing whether I’ll have a job tomorrow and now I’ve to listen to you give me crap?! No, thank you.”
We heard from a source that you were against bringing this masterpiece of a film into your cineplex…
“Masterpiece? What masterpiece? A bunch of pictures moving on screen? Heh, I can make more with a begging bowl.”
Okay, looks like Ms. Fariha can give us a piece of her mind. Your daughter here tells me she insisted on coming but you didn’t let her attend. Is this true?
“First of all, young lady, how I treat my children is none of your business. Second, I’m tired sick of having to listen to my kid throw a ‘Baka’ here and a ‘Nani’ there all day long. Enough is enough.”
But there’s nothing better than watching your favourite show at the cinema with 3D glasses, popcorn, and friends, and—
“Besides, didn’t the government shut down Doraemon a few years back? Why is that Hindi-speaking robot back all of a sudden? Can’t have any more of THOSE.”
But ma’am, you’re mistaken, this isn’t Doraemon we’re talking about. It’s the highest-grossing anime film of all time, Kimetsu no Yaiba: Muge—
“Yeah, yeah, Mugen Schmugen. It’s all the same gibberish. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have a Bangla serial coming up…”
Maybe Mr. theanimeboy_tanjiro069 can talk some sense into these people now. Can you please describe in your own words what happened exactly? What were YOU expecting?
The self-proclaimed anime expert, 19, had apparently, camped in front of the cineplex the night before, waking up to find to his surprise that the only other living creature accompanying him was a stray dog which must’ve thought taking a nap near the ice cream cart on a summer night was a “cool” idea. He swears he had also heard a rooster crowing somewhere…
“This is a sad day for anime worldwide. Anime community weebs flood the groups with rubbish talk like ‘Mugen Train is here, lesssgo!’ and ‘Nezuko needs you!’ when they’d all rather be chilling out and vibing burgers at Chillox than attend some foreign movie whose name they can’t even pronounce. Shame on all of them…”
What else can you tell us?
“I guess there were only about 9 or 10 pairs of eyes besides mine, and some of them weren’t even watching. A couple looking really cute dressed as Tanjiro and Nezuko were making out in the back row, not caring for the movie one bit. I wouldn’t blame them either. That piece of bamboo was getting in the way though…”
Do you have anything to say to all your fellow anime fans out there?
*suddenly drops to his knees and gets all teary-eyed*
“Oh, Rengoku, oh, Enmu, we have not done ye justice. Even if I atone for all my sins, it will never be enough. I summon thee, Pillar of Fire, and also thou, Demon Moon, to bring wrath to the undeserving hypocrites who christen themselves anime lovers but pay no heed to you when you need them in the name of social distancing. And those of us who persevered, we beg thy pardon to bestow on us ye another chance to redeem ourselves. By the sacred blood of Kibutsuji Muzan, I swear to annihilate all weebs who desecrate the world of anime
with their disgraceful presence…”
And (looks like this is going to be long)… cut!
Abrar Jamil is a sucker for anime, ridiculous food combos, and would eat almost anything with chopsticks. Send him anime suggestions at [email protected]