Shubhashish Chakraborty Turjoy
When you were younger, your only source of income used to be a 50 taka note given by your mother. You could buy a small Pepsi can, a packet of chips, and some candies to go along. That 50 taka note made you feel like a king.
But as days went by and your innocence wore off, suddenly that 50 taka note wasn’t enough. Suddenly you wanted to go all Wolf of Wall Street and start making millions. However, the first step to achieving that greatness was spreading wisdom throughout your neighbourhood via tuitions.
So, before entering the tuition regime, here are the types of guardians you are likely to encounter.
The Obsessed Ones
Their sole purpose is to secure so many marks for their kids that the whole metric system can be put to shame. They are continuously running numbers, calculating permutations and combinations until the God of Grades himself appears before them. You cannot breathe a sigh of relief until your student gets a 10/10 on that third Agriculture quiz.
The Vigilant Ones
Me: So, buddy, how’s life?
*Kid tries to open his mouth*
Guardian: Everything is fine with Ratul, baba. You keep on teaching.
Me: …
They are always lurking about. No word is ever too quiet and no place is ever too far. No matter what you say, they will always manage to reply from the kitchen, the living room, or even the bedroom. You will be under constant surveillance. So, if your significant other ever calls you, or you decide to check your mail during the “audit”, do so at your own risk.
The “I’ll starve you to death” Ones
Basically, you won’t be offered even a drop of water. Be it Eid or a famine, you can never score anything from their kitchen. The worst part of it all: Your student may get snacks from places unknown, and all you can do is mind your business, which is staring at the food. There will be times when you will be asked, “Baba, khaba kichu?” and like any other dumb homo-sapiens, you will decline the offer courteously and then regret your stupidity for the next 3 hours.
The “Money is Honey” Ones
They are arguably the worst of the bunch. These guardians have the innate quality of being thrifty. And I speak from experience. A friend of mine encountered such a guardian who didn’t pay her a single penny, but paid her in the form of sweets and snacks. So, you better bring your A game while negotiating because they can and will haggle, hassle, and quibble to the point that you will pander to their incessant bargaining and agree to teach their kids 5 subjects for 4 days a week at 11.99 taka plus tax.
The “Invisible” Ones
If you were a good boy all year, then Santa will grant you the wish of having them as your students’ guardians. They can be anywhere, but you won’t know where. As the bible says: “Ye shall seek me, and shall not find me: and where I am, thither ye cannot come.” They will always be a phone call away, but to witness their existence, you need to prove your worth first. However, after every month, they will send their kid with an envelope full of happiness.