Brown Parenting 101


Tanzim Ahmmed Siam


While living in a typical brown family for 18 years, I have pretty much gotten hold of how the parenting system works. A lot of these ideals and thoughts result as parts of our prolonged culture and background. However, here are 8 brown parenting traits going around in my family that I wish I would disappear.

 

Hobby? No

Hobby is just an imaginary term for brown parents. It plays no role in recreation and is just another excuse to avoid studies. My parents think sleeping is the only thing that can ease your mind, so Eat-Sleep-Study-Repeat!

It doesn’t matter how long I’ve been studying, they’re going to ignore it the way my crush ignores me. The moment I sit down to draw, they end up saying, “You’ve been doing this your whole life. পড়াশুনা করবা কবে ?” (Alexa, play Kobe by Nemesis). I swear, this “whole life” was only 30 minutes.

The last time I sat down to draw was a month ago, and to them, the month passed like Fridays in the pandemic.

 

Lust Stories ft A+

With the masterpieces I’ve drawn, I’ve either become Ayub Bacchu or the next generation’s Messi.  The last time I scored 96 in Maths, my father sighed, “96? The highest mark is 100. Your phone is at fault.”

I could become Leonardo Da Vinci, but my mom would still say, “Did we leave the village and settle in Dhaka for your drawings? The next piece of art you bring to me must be your result-card, with you being the class topper.”

It is now seemingly normal for them to someday say, “Why is it HAPPY B-day and not HAPPY A+day?”

 

Imitation Game starring Pasher Bashar Sokhina

Here, like Cumberbatch, I have to decipher how my neighbour’s daughter Sokhina got a scholarship but I could not. Let’s assume I obtained the 5th position in my class according to my marks in SSC.

My mom screams at me: “Do you know Sokhina got a scholarship in talentpool? What did you get? You were saved on the line in Bangla. Oh my God! My son has become a delinquent.”

(I scored 89 in Bangla.)

*cue visible confusion*

 

Simon Says

It starts with forcing you to eat করলা ভাজি at the dining table and gradually progresses to dictating your career choices for you, which include and are limited to: 

  1. Doctor or Engineer
  2. a
  3. b

And eventually, it ends with, “What do you mean you have a girlfriend? Your dad has never even talked to other girls. Did we teach you this? You are marrying my colleague’s daughter, you spoiled brat!” Really, I can see this coming.

 

How I Met Your Mother (Brown family edition)

Kids, today I’m going to tell you a story about how I met your mother. My parents were so strict about arranged marriage that dating a Tracy McConnell was a far cry, I had never even properly looked her in the eye.

I used to see all my friends being brown Barneys from rich families, scoring a Robin every now and then. And there I was, a Ted.

In the end, my parents flirted with other parents and scored your mom for me. So, kids, that’s how I met your mother.

And trust me, if I somehow managed to date someone and played my next-to-last card and yelled UNO, they would throw either of these DRAW-4 cards:

  1. What would people say? What would we explain to them?
  2. You choose her, you choose my death.

 

What Would People Think?

I thank God every now and then for not missing a GPA 5 in my board exams, because that’s where it would have begun. Continuing through jobs until marriage, every exceptional thing I would ever want to do in my life would lead to “লোকে কী বলবে ?

It would happen so much that I would start to dream of my father being Hason Raja, singing “লোকে বলে, ও বলে রেহ্…

Why am I scared of this? Because I see my sister dealing with it.

 

13 Reasons Why

Most brown parents don’t listen to reasoning at all. They act like they were listening, but just like the SpongeBob-Patrick meme or the Phoebe-Joey meme, in the end, it is what they say it is. And they never do anything wrong.

Even if they do…no, they don’t, they cannot. And, if you somehow prove that they are wrong, they won’t admit or apologise. You will either die, or keep hearing, “আমি তোর পেট থেকে জন্মাইছি না তুই আমার পেট থেকে ?”

 

We Don’t Talk Anymore by brown parents ft children 

Brown parents forget to realise that they gave birth solely based on their own desire. So, amidst all the debts we owe them, they are responsible for our basic needs and proper physical, mental, and spiritual growth up to a certain age. But, instead they say, “What a worthless child! It would have been better to adopt someone. I don’t want to see your face anymore.”

Now, don’t get me wrong. It’s of course, not all negative, and whatever they do, knowingly or unknowingly, they want the best for us. But speaking for myself, I’ve formed my views by sincerely looking into my own and my friends’ insecurities, and studying other cultures of parenting and how they affect human psychology. Although I want some traits gone, amidst everything, I am still grateful for all those ways my parents have genuinely helped me grow.

 


Tanzim has probably fallen asleep losing all hopes of convincing his parents that gaming didn’t cause his food poisoning. It was the 3 burgers he ate yesterday. Send him ways to convince them at [email protected]

 

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